I am really enjoying the Voices of the New Woman Movement book I've been reading, even if I've been reading veeeery slowly.
Chapter one was really eye-opening. Usually the first chapter of a book is a bit ho-hum...but not this one.
Imagine that God made men and women to absolutely and clearly reflect His love for us and our relationship with Him.
I've heard a message about being in love with the Lord and having a courtship type relationship with Him. It took me a while to wrap my head around the concept, but I finally did.
This chapter fit into that concept completely too. We as a church are His bride...it makes perfect sense we would fall in love with the Lord and all he has to offer.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The True Woman Movement
I finally started reading "Voices of the True Woman Movement" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss today. I am really excited about this book and what it may holdfor me. I have only read the intoduction, and already I have been blessed by the reminder in it that there are so many voices in our world, and all of them pull and tug us in all directions -- and usually away from God.
God should be the first voice we seek and heed, though.
The True Woman Movement is something I have read a little about online, but not much. And I sure haven't been adgerent to what the movement teaches that we, as women of God, should seek to live lives of focus on the Lord, and shun anything that is not of Him.
They will have a True Woman conference in Fort Worth in October. I want to go so bad and likely will.
There will be further posts about the book as I complete chapters, then a final "wrap up" entry about the book as a whole.
I look forward to what the book holds for me and how God will use it in my life
God should be the first voice we seek and heed, though.
The True Woman Movement is something I have read a little about online, but not much. And I sure haven't been adgerent to what the movement teaches that we, as women of God, should seek to live lives of focus on the Lord, and shun anything that is not of Him.
They will have a True Woman conference in Fort Worth in October. I want to go so bad and likely will.
There will be further posts about the book as I complete chapters, then a final "wrap up" entry about the book as a whole.
I look forward to what the book holds for me and how God will use it in my life
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I found a church home
I've been attending Central Baptist Church for a couple of months now, and I have known for a while that that was my church home. I had planned to wait and officially join when mom was feeling stronger and ready to get out and about. Well, the best laid plans...
Today there was no way I could *not* join. I knew today was the day. And all throughout the sermon, I kept trying to find reasons not to walk to the front and join -- after all, I was going to wait for mom to be there so we could stand as a family together.
God had other plans.
I have had such a strong yearning for the feeling of being directly in God's presence as I had had at BSF in Fort Worth. It's been so strong and nearly overwhelming at times.
I felt it today...several times...in Sunday school and during the service. It was so amazing and wonderful and what I have yearned for for so long. I was moved to tears several times this morning and evening at church.
When the invitation was called, I stood firm. It wasn't today...no, Lord, please. Mom's not here with me.
When God calls, though, woe be unto him who doesn't heed the call. And I knew today was the day.
So I'm now a member of Central Baptist Church of Jacksonville. I haven't been an active member of a church for 21 years...Grace Baptist, which is now gone.
It is so amazing and comforting and just RIGHT to be a part of God's family like this again. I spent so much time wandering and alone in my walk with the Lord.
And of course there was so much time during which I was not at all doing what I knew I should...when I was blatantly going AGAINST what I knew was the way I should go.
But despite it all, the Lord still accepts me with open arms. As my heavenly Father, he doesn't care that I was a screw up and did wrong. He cares only that I am repentant for those things, have turned from them and back to Him.
Lord, I praise You and thank You for Your love for me.
Today there was no way I could *not* join. I knew today was the day. And all throughout the sermon, I kept trying to find reasons not to walk to the front and join -- after all, I was going to wait for mom to be there so we could stand as a family together.
God had other plans.
I have had such a strong yearning for the feeling of being directly in God's presence as I had had at BSF in Fort Worth. It's been so strong and nearly overwhelming at times.
I felt it today...several times...in Sunday school and during the service. It was so amazing and wonderful and what I have yearned for for so long. I was moved to tears several times this morning and evening at church.
When the invitation was called, I stood firm. It wasn't today...no, Lord, please. Mom's not here with me.
When God calls, though, woe be unto him who doesn't heed the call. And I knew today was the day.
So I'm now a member of Central Baptist Church of Jacksonville. I haven't been an active member of a church for 21 years...Grace Baptist, which is now gone.
It is so amazing and comforting and just RIGHT to be a part of God's family like this again. I spent so much time wandering and alone in my walk with the Lord.
And of course there was so much time during which I was not at all doing what I knew I should...when I was blatantly going AGAINST what I knew was the way I should go.
But despite it all, the Lord still accepts me with open arms. As my heavenly Father, he doesn't care that I was a screw up and did wrong. He cares only that I am repentant for those things, have turned from them and back to Him.
Lord, I praise You and thank You for Your love for me.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Feeling at a loss
Right now it feels like everytime I advance forward a bit, I get pushed backward a lot.
Mom's health affects me a lot...more than I wish it did. I worry about her so much. She's been in so much pain for a week.
Tomorrow is the appointment with her doctor for the most recent broken bone.
We had a blow-up tonight, though, and Matt is refusing to take her, so at this point I am trying to figure out how to do my normal day, my job, and take her to Tyler for her appointment, too.
I can't ramp down enough to relax and sleep. I'm going to try again, though, because I am very tired and my head is hurting so bad.
Mom's health affects me a lot...more than I wish it did. I worry about her so much. She's been in so much pain for a week.
Tomorrow is the appointment with her doctor for the most recent broken bone.
We had a blow-up tonight, though, and Matt is refusing to take her, so at this point I am trying to figure out how to do my normal day, my job, and take her to Tyler for her appointment, too.
I can't ramp down enough to relax and sleep. I'm going to try again, though, because I am very tired and my head is hurting so bad.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
How do I encourage her??
My poor mom has been through the wringer over the last few months. First she fell on Jan. 8 and broke BOTH legs...her left ankle and her right femur.
That is after having a double knee replacement in October 2008 and then falling and braking her right wrist in July 2009.
So she's FINALLY back on the road to recovery...back on her feet and we've made this new determination that we're going to exercise and get fit and lose weight. I am going to meet her at work and walk after she's off. All kinds of things.
This morning she woke up and couldn't put weight on her right ankle. After her fall Sunday, even though she was up on her feet, she couldn't stand the pain. She went to the ER AFTER getting a tooth pulled, got an x-ray, and discovered she broke a bone in her right leg in the Sunday fall. It's the smaller one (tibia? fibula?) and it's a clean break. The doc there said no surgery. Here's a scrip for pain meds...go home and call your orthopaedic surgeon.
Tonight she called me after she got into bed. She was in tears. I don't think I have ever heard her sound as utterly defeated as she did tonight.
She was in so much pain...from the broken leg, of course, but also from a massive bruise on the same leg (see the pic on my Facebook. It's awful). She has to strain and push so hard with her arms and left leg in order to stand on that broken ankle, her arms and other leg are killing her.
She cried about possibly losing her job because of being out. She said maybe she should go into a nursing home..."anything to quit this pain." She said she is tired and she hurts and she doesn't think she can take anymore.
She said she is losing her faith...she said she knows God has her, but she's losing her faith right now.
And I can't say I blame her. I would lose faith too, I think.
Amy told me to share a verse from Joshua with her. "Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave to you; do not turn from it to the left or the right, that you may be successful wherever you go." Joshua 1:7
I think that's not exactly the verse Amy said, but it's a good one.
I just texted to her Joshua 1:9: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
How do I encourage her beyond that, though? How do I tell her, "Don't worry. God's got you and won't let you fall"?
I can't fathom how tired my mom is. She has endured so much lately...in addition to the fibromyalgia, hypoglycemia, thyroid, hard of hearing...and it goes on.
And if we were to make a comparison, I pale in comparison to what my mom has done in her life. Going back to school with two grade-school kids at home; worked three jobs while doing it; got her bachelors and masters degrees; taught high school; started a brand new career at 60 (or so).
I can only hope to be as strong and courageous as her. I can only hope to be as faithful as her.
All I know to do is pray for guidance and for the Lord to put the right words in my mouth when the times come for me to try to encourage her.
That is after having a double knee replacement in October 2008 and then falling and braking her right wrist in July 2009.
So she's FINALLY back on the road to recovery...back on her feet and we've made this new determination that we're going to exercise and get fit and lose weight. I am going to meet her at work and walk after she's off. All kinds of things.
This morning she woke up and couldn't put weight on her right ankle. After her fall Sunday, even though she was up on her feet, she couldn't stand the pain. She went to the ER AFTER getting a tooth pulled, got an x-ray, and discovered she broke a bone in her right leg in the Sunday fall. It's the smaller one (tibia? fibula?) and it's a clean break. The doc there said no surgery. Here's a scrip for pain meds...go home and call your orthopaedic surgeon.
Tonight she called me after she got into bed. She was in tears. I don't think I have ever heard her sound as utterly defeated as she did tonight.
She was in so much pain...from the broken leg, of course, but also from a massive bruise on the same leg (see the pic on my Facebook. It's awful). She has to strain and push so hard with her arms and left leg in order to stand on that broken ankle, her arms and other leg are killing her.
She cried about possibly losing her job because of being out. She said maybe she should go into a nursing home..."anything to quit this pain." She said she is tired and she hurts and she doesn't think she can take anymore.
She said she is losing her faith...she said she knows God has her, but she's losing her faith right now.
And I can't say I blame her. I would lose faith too, I think.
Amy told me to share a verse from Joshua with her. "Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave to you; do not turn from it to the left or the right, that you may be successful wherever you go." Joshua 1:7
I think that's not exactly the verse Amy said, but it's a good one.
I just texted to her Joshua 1:9: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
How do I encourage her beyond that, though? How do I tell her, "Don't worry. God's got you and won't let you fall"?
I can't fathom how tired my mom is. She has endured so much lately...in addition to the fibromyalgia, hypoglycemia, thyroid, hard of hearing...and it goes on.
And if we were to make a comparison, I pale in comparison to what my mom has done in her life. Going back to school with two grade-school kids at home; worked three jobs while doing it; got her bachelors and masters degrees; taught high school; started a brand new career at 60 (or so).
I can only hope to be as strong and courageous as her. I can only hope to be as faithful as her.
All I know to do is pray for guidance and for the Lord to put the right words in my mouth when the times come for me to try to encourage her.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Breaking it down
I've been yearning for that closeness with the Lord I used to feel every week in BSF. I have missed it so much, and I have been seeking it on my own and by visiting a local church.
I haven't been able to find it, though, and I have been praying to get back to that place where I could just feel the Lord right there with me. Once you've been truly in the prescence of God, you're addicted.
Nothing was getting me there, though. Solo Bible study has been fulfilling and wonderful, but just wasn't "it." The church I have been visiting is really amazing, but I hadn't felt that thing I have been missing.
This morning, the service included a presentation by a Gideon about the work they do. Of course it reminded me of Granddad and how important the Lord was to him. I couldn't help but tear up when the man was talking about the Gideons and the work they do. Granddad's been gone more than 10 years now, and I still miss him very much. I know where he is, though, and I couldn't help but thank God and praise Him that through my grandparents, then through mom, I was exposed to the Lord early in life. I realize there are many out there whose family doesn't know the peace of having a relationship with God and how blessed I am I have a family that, for the most part, knows it.
The message today was from Colossians. Death to things of the flesh so that the gifts of the Spirit can be fulfilled. It was the next in a series the pastor has presented. I haven't been there for all of the series, but it seems like it's been good, from what I can tell.
Today's message got to me, though. I have struggled with my weight for my entire life...and it's no secret I have a problem with food.
And although I have thought about it in academic terms in the past, today was the first time I felt any sort of a conviction about this unhealthy relationship I have with food...and have that conviction based solely on a Biblical basis. There is no denying it...it's there in black and white. And while it didn't say, "death to gluttony," it does say death to greed. And gluttony is nothing more than a form of greed...and greed acted upon at that.
There is a lust you feel in your heart ... and it can be a lust for anything ... and then there is lust you act upon -- giving in to the fleshly desires.
It's funny, but I remember something Dog the bounty hunter said to one of the folks they caught once. He said to the guy that he has to fight lusts every day all day...that everyone does.
And it doesn't matter what the lust is for -- sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, food -- we all feel it. But it's how we deal with it. And the Bible says put those physical, earthly desires to death.
Man.
I needed to hear that.
REALLY needed it.
So, when I left church I decided I was going to talk to mom about this epiphany I had. She and I worry about each other a lot...especially so since her latest fall and broken bones. I have been worried about her gaining strength and stamina and confidence. She worries about me and my weight, because she doesn't want me to have the same kinds of problems she has had.
I called and got her order for lunch and headed to her house.
As I got out of my car and was just about to reach back in to start hauling out the lunch goodies, I heard her yelling ... SCREAMING ... in the house. And it was the scream I recognized from when she fell in the hospital.
She was yelling, "oh no, no! Help me! No!"
I knew she had fallen.
She was trying to help me by going to open the door for me, got in a hurry and her knee gave out.
I can't explain how scary it is to hear that. Then of course I can't run, so I got to the door and in as fast as I could. Sure enough she was on the floor, flat on her face, screaming and crying.
And I didn't know what to do.
I called 911 to ask for a fall assist. Then I stood with my hand on her back, rubbing it and trying to calm her down while we waited for the EMTs to come help.
We had a long, hard talk after they left. I told mom about the sermon this morning and what I got from it. We're both gluttons. We're both scared to death about our health, too, but we both have an addiction to food.
Not to food -- to gluttony.
We talked about it a lot.
I told mom that the way I approach food is a sin. It stands between me and a normal life, It stands between me and health. Most importantly, though, it stands between me and the Lord.
I have not put to death my earthly desire for gluttony.
There is no way I can totally fulfill my desire to fully serve the Lord as long as I give in to that earthly desire. I can't be the best possible tool for Him to use if I'm not at my possible best. If I don't have the physical strength and stamina to make it through a work day then do things after work...if I don't have the ability to work my week then get up and get going on my days off. And I can't completely be the tool God deserves to have on earth and that I desire to be for Him if I am knowingly sinning every day.
This is as bad as someone who has sex outside of wedlock. As bad as someone who steals. As bad as someone who drinks constantly or uses drugs.
I knowingly sin every day and do not turn from it and have not really felt remorse for it.
I honestly think that that distance I have been feeling....no, it hasn't been a distance, but it hasn't been the closeness I have yearned for with God.
The last time I was at this point, I had a breakthrough with the guilt I have carried with me for things in my past. And it was so good and cleansing and freeing when I begged forgiveness and was truly repentent.
It's time for that again.
I told mom today this was it...that we're going to kick this. Today was a death, but tomorrow a rebirth. And it's going to be hard, but we're going to do it.
She's too young and vibrant and beautiful to hobble around on a walker for the rest of her life. She has too much to offer the world to have to be scared to just walk across a parking lot. She wants to do too much for other people to be hindered by a lack of strength and balance and confidence.
And me ... how can anyone look at me and think, "Well there goes a happy, well-balanced woman who has a good relationship with the Lord and is healthy." No way that happens.
It's time for our bodies to reflect our beliefs and our salvation.
Now I have to pray every day...every hour or minute if I have to...for the Lord to hold me and give me the strength to live the kind of life I want to now so I can be the kind of person I want to be.
I haven't been able to find it, though, and I have been praying to get back to that place where I could just feel the Lord right there with me. Once you've been truly in the prescence of God, you're addicted.
Nothing was getting me there, though. Solo Bible study has been fulfilling and wonderful, but just wasn't "it." The church I have been visiting is really amazing, but I hadn't felt that thing I have been missing.
This morning, the service included a presentation by a Gideon about the work they do. Of course it reminded me of Granddad and how important the Lord was to him. I couldn't help but tear up when the man was talking about the Gideons and the work they do. Granddad's been gone more than 10 years now, and I still miss him very much. I know where he is, though, and I couldn't help but thank God and praise Him that through my grandparents, then through mom, I was exposed to the Lord early in life. I realize there are many out there whose family doesn't know the peace of having a relationship with God and how blessed I am I have a family that, for the most part, knows it.
The message today was from Colossians. Death to things of the flesh so that the gifts of the Spirit can be fulfilled. It was the next in a series the pastor has presented. I haven't been there for all of the series, but it seems like it's been good, from what I can tell.
Today's message got to me, though. I have struggled with my weight for my entire life...and it's no secret I have a problem with food.
And although I have thought about it in academic terms in the past, today was the first time I felt any sort of a conviction about this unhealthy relationship I have with food...and have that conviction based solely on a Biblical basis. There is no denying it...it's there in black and white. And while it didn't say, "death to gluttony," it does say death to greed. And gluttony is nothing more than a form of greed...and greed acted upon at that.
There is a lust you feel in your heart ... and it can be a lust for anything ... and then there is lust you act upon -- giving in to the fleshly desires.
It's funny, but I remember something Dog the bounty hunter said to one of the folks they caught once. He said to the guy that he has to fight lusts every day all day...that everyone does.
And it doesn't matter what the lust is for -- sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, food -- we all feel it. But it's how we deal with it. And the Bible says put those physical, earthly desires to death.
Man.
I needed to hear that.
REALLY needed it.
So, when I left church I decided I was going to talk to mom about this epiphany I had. She and I worry about each other a lot...especially so since her latest fall and broken bones. I have been worried about her gaining strength and stamina and confidence. She worries about me and my weight, because she doesn't want me to have the same kinds of problems she has had.
I called and got her order for lunch and headed to her house.
As I got out of my car and was just about to reach back in to start hauling out the lunch goodies, I heard her yelling ... SCREAMING ... in the house. And it was the scream I recognized from when she fell in the hospital.
She was yelling, "oh no, no! Help me! No!"
I knew she had fallen.
She was trying to help me by going to open the door for me, got in a hurry and her knee gave out.
I can't explain how scary it is to hear that. Then of course I can't run, so I got to the door and in as fast as I could. Sure enough she was on the floor, flat on her face, screaming and crying.
And I didn't know what to do.
I called 911 to ask for a fall assist. Then I stood with my hand on her back, rubbing it and trying to calm her down while we waited for the EMTs to come help.
We had a long, hard talk after they left. I told mom about the sermon this morning and what I got from it. We're both gluttons. We're both scared to death about our health, too, but we both have an addiction to food.
Not to food -- to gluttony.
We talked about it a lot.
I told mom that the way I approach food is a sin. It stands between me and a normal life, It stands between me and health. Most importantly, though, it stands between me and the Lord.
I have not put to death my earthly desire for gluttony.
There is no way I can totally fulfill my desire to fully serve the Lord as long as I give in to that earthly desire. I can't be the best possible tool for Him to use if I'm not at my possible best. If I don't have the physical strength and stamina to make it through a work day then do things after work...if I don't have the ability to work my week then get up and get going on my days off. And I can't completely be the tool God deserves to have on earth and that I desire to be for Him if I am knowingly sinning every day.
This is as bad as someone who has sex outside of wedlock. As bad as someone who steals. As bad as someone who drinks constantly or uses drugs.
I knowingly sin every day and do not turn from it and have not really felt remorse for it.
I honestly think that that distance I have been feeling....no, it hasn't been a distance, but it hasn't been the closeness I have yearned for with God.
The last time I was at this point, I had a breakthrough with the guilt I have carried with me for things in my past. And it was so good and cleansing and freeing when I begged forgiveness and was truly repentent.
It's time for that again.
I told mom today this was it...that we're going to kick this. Today was a death, but tomorrow a rebirth. And it's going to be hard, but we're going to do it.
She's too young and vibrant and beautiful to hobble around on a walker for the rest of her life. She has too much to offer the world to have to be scared to just walk across a parking lot. She wants to do too much for other people to be hindered by a lack of strength and balance and confidence.
And me ... how can anyone look at me and think, "Well there goes a happy, well-balanced woman who has a good relationship with the Lord and is healthy." No way that happens.
It's time for our bodies to reflect our beliefs and our salvation.
Now I have to pray every day...every hour or minute if I have to...for the Lord to hold me and give me the strength to live the kind of life I want to now so I can be the kind of person I want to be.
A B Cs of worship
One of my Facebook friends -- a Christian jewelry store -- had a A B Cs of Praise post, asking people to reply to the post with a word that described God going through the alphabet. I missed the game, except for Z. I did the entry for it.
Since I missed the game, I did my own ABC, seen below:
Almighty
Breath of Life
Charitable
Depandable
Everlasting
Faithful
Glorious
Honorable
Immeasurable
Jealous
Kingly
Loving
Mighty
never-ending
Omnipotent
Powerful
Quick to forgive
Regal
Slow to anger
Traditional
Unbelievable
Victorious over death
Wonderful
X-traordinary
Yahweh
Zealous
Since I missed the game, I did my own ABC, seen below:
Almighty
Breath of Life
Charitable
Depandable
Everlasting
Faithful
Glorious
Honorable
Immeasurable
Jealous
Kingly
Loving
Mighty
never-ending
Omnipotent
Powerful
Quick to forgive
Regal
Slow to anger
Traditional
Unbelievable
Victorious over death
Wonderful
X-traordinary
Yahweh
Zealous
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tugging at my heart
I've had a few things tugging at me lately...things I feel I need to do something about but I haven't yet.
I have prayed for guidance as to what I am supposed to do about those things.
I have prayed for guidance as to what I am supposed to do about those things.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Simple Woman's Daybook, Week One
FOR TODAY
Outside my window...
is only inky darkness. It's very late at night...so late it has become morning. Very distantly I can hear the sounds of the night: crickets, an occasional dog barking, but mostly the quiet that engulfs a small town when it settles down for rest.
I am thinking...
how grateful I am for the multitude blessings in my life. I have been feeling a sense of sorrow over something past in my life, and while that feeling still clings to me, I know that my prayers for comfort and for something new will be answered.
I am thankful for...
so many things today. Mostly I am thankful work has been easier than I thought it would be today. I was worried I would be overwhelmed by all of the tasks I have to do, but it has been going much more smoothly than I thought. I also am thankful for those people I am able to touch in some small way through my writing. I "met" one tonight via Facebook.
From the kitchen...
there is the soft glow of a candle flickering and the gentle tick-tock of a clock, but nothing more. The dishes are either clean and in their home or dirty and in the dishwasher, waiting for their bath. The only thing in the kitchen with any "movement," beyond the hands of the clock, are the sweet basil seeds in the pot on the counter. I know deep beneath the dark earth they are slowly moving, expanding, and will soon transform from seeds to sprouts to delicious basil with which I will season my cooking.
I am wearing...
a simple pink patchwork cotton house dress. It's very well worn, and very well loved. It's developed a few little holes here and there, which are being held together with my clumsy stitches or even safety pins. The flowy skirt is comfortable and cool when the weather is warm, though, and its softness is a comfort against my skin.
I am creating...
a thread-crochet project for my mother for Mother's Day. I hesitate to reveal too many details about it. I doubt she will read this and spoil the surprise, but I'd rather play it safe than sorry. I will reveal more details once the big surprise has been revealed to her.
I am going...
to go to bed soon. I am happily anticipating the feel of the sheets on my skin and the way my feather pillow cradles my head. The music I listen to at night is a comfort, and its lyrics creep into my subconscious. Ah, another thing to be thankful for -- the blessing of Kari Jobe's voice and music.
I am reading...
a novel called Any Minute by Joyce Meyer. I didn't know she wrote fiction and was accidently sent this one through a book club. (I say accidently -- I don't believe in accidents, but I did not request the book, so it found its way to me through means not of me.)
I am hoping...
to find contentment. For so long I was too busy to realize whether I was content or not. I have a few small things that have been tugging on my heart and mind lately, though. I know these issues will be resolved eventually, but just as surely because I am human I will long for something else. I pray only the Lord will help temper my restless spirit.
I am hearing...
my television. I am in such a bad habit of having it on all the time again. I miss last summer when I did my no-TV challenge. I am thinking I am coming very close to doing one again soon.
Around the house...
things are mostly put away for the night. I still have a few things out of place -- ok, more than a few. But I am getting things into shape steadily. I have prayed for a spirit of hospitality...and in order to have that I have to feel comfortable with my home and with having people over at any time with or without warning. I'm not quite there, yet, but I will get there.
One of my favorite things...
is the feel of my dog's fur under my hand. It seems so silly, but I am so thankful for her. She has been part of my life for nearly six years now, and I cannot remember my life without her. I do think often of what I will do when she is gone some day, and my heart just breaks when I think about it. I tend to push the thought away quickly. It amazes me how much I love my little Molly.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Work, of course. Continue to work on mom's gift; I should be able to finish it by week's end. I hope to go to a Bible study Thursday night, and perhaps church Wednesday night. Steadily working to get my home into the shape I want it to be in.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing...
I got my ring! It's more lovely than the picture from the Web shows, and I am thrilled with it. I plan to wear it constantly, like I do my cross necklace Corrie gave me.
The above from The Simple Woman's Daybook.
Outside my window...
is only inky darkness. It's very late at night...so late it has become morning. Very distantly I can hear the sounds of the night: crickets, an occasional dog barking, but mostly the quiet that engulfs a small town when it settles down for rest.
I am thinking...
how grateful I am for the multitude blessings in my life. I have been feeling a sense of sorrow over something past in my life, and while that feeling still clings to me, I know that my prayers for comfort and for something new will be answered.
I am thankful for...
so many things today. Mostly I am thankful work has been easier than I thought it would be today. I was worried I would be overwhelmed by all of the tasks I have to do, but it has been going much more smoothly than I thought. I also am thankful for those people I am able to touch in some small way through my writing. I "met" one tonight via Facebook.
From the kitchen...
there is the soft glow of a candle flickering and the gentle tick-tock of a clock, but nothing more. The dishes are either clean and in their home or dirty and in the dishwasher, waiting for their bath. The only thing in the kitchen with any "movement," beyond the hands of the clock, are the sweet basil seeds in the pot on the counter. I know deep beneath the dark earth they are slowly moving, expanding, and will soon transform from seeds to sprouts to delicious basil with which I will season my cooking.
I am wearing...
a simple pink patchwork cotton house dress. It's very well worn, and very well loved. It's developed a few little holes here and there, which are being held together with my clumsy stitches or even safety pins. The flowy skirt is comfortable and cool when the weather is warm, though, and its softness is a comfort against my skin.
I am creating...
a thread-crochet project for my mother for Mother's Day. I hesitate to reveal too many details about it. I doubt she will read this and spoil the surprise, but I'd rather play it safe than sorry. I will reveal more details once the big surprise has been revealed to her.
I am going...
to go to bed soon. I am happily anticipating the feel of the sheets on my skin and the way my feather pillow cradles my head. The music I listen to at night is a comfort, and its lyrics creep into my subconscious. Ah, another thing to be thankful for -- the blessing of Kari Jobe's voice and music.
I am reading...
a novel called Any Minute by Joyce Meyer. I didn't know she wrote fiction and was accidently sent this one through a book club. (I say accidently -- I don't believe in accidents, but I did not request the book, so it found its way to me through means not of me.)
I am hoping...
to find contentment. For so long I was too busy to realize whether I was content or not. I have a few small things that have been tugging on my heart and mind lately, though. I know these issues will be resolved eventually, but just as surely because I am human I will long for something else. I pray only the Lord will help temper my restless spirit.
I am hearing...
my television. I am in such a bad habit of having it on all the time again. I miss last summer when I did my no-TV challenge. I am thinking I am coming very close to doing one again soon.
Around the house...
things are mostly put away for the night. I still have a few things out of place -- ok, more than a few. But I am getting things into shape steadily. I have prayed for a spirit of hospitality...and in order to have that I have to feel comfortable with my home and with having people over at any time with or without warning. I'm not quite there, yet, but I will get there.
One of my favorite things...
is the feel of my dog's fur under my hand. It seems so silly, but I am so thankful for her. She has been part of my life for nearly six years now, and I cannot remember my life without her. I do think often of what I will do when she is gone some day, and my heart just breaks when I think about it. I tend to push the thought away quickly. It amazes me how much I love my little Molly.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Work, of course. Continue to work on mom's gift; I should be able to finish it by week's end. I hope to go to a Bible study Thursday night, and perhaps church Wednesday night. Steadily working to get my home into the shape I want it to be in.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing...
I got my ring! It's more lovely than the picture from the Web shows, and I am thrilled with it. I plan to wear it constantly, like I do my cross necklace Corrie gave me.
The above from The Simple Woman's Daybook.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A sense of mourning
I miss my BSF class so much (Bible Study Fellowship). I got so completely spoiled in them.
Every time we came together to study -- literally EVERY Monday -- you could FEEL God in the room with us. Not one of those nights went by that I didn't feel completely moved. Sometimes to tears. No, often to tears.
The evening started with a hymn, a prayer, a very short few words and dismissal to our discussion groups. We would spend about 45 minutes in our groups discussing our answers to 10-14 questions, depending on the lesson, that covered usually a chapter of a book of the Bible -- at most. Sometimes it was just a few verses.
We would end our group time with prayer requests and prayer, then dismissal to the lesson for the night.
We would gather again in the sanctuary for a couple of more hymns, prayer, then a lesson from the leader of our large group.
She always delivered such an amazing, moving message -- there was no denying that she was truly God inspired. Like I said, I never attended one of the groups without feeling very moved and inspired.
I haven't been able to find anything similar to that since BSF ended last May. I have missed the groups and messages, but today I just have this huge sense of mourning and loss over them.
I tried joining a BSF group that meets in Tyler on Monday evenings, but it was so difficult to get from work to the lessons, then possibly have to go back to work if something needed to get done.
I'm praying hard about this tonight. I want to re-join the group in the fall when a new lesson begins. I have to make sure I'm committed, though, so I don't take a spot from someone who needs to be there.
On the other hand, I feel like I need to be there.
I am also praying about the possibility that a BSF group could start here in Jacksonville. I don't know what goes in to starting a group, but I would love to see one begin.
I am craving God's presence like I used to feel, as well as those in-depth lessons and discussions.
I am so sad about this tonight, and I pray for some comfort and solace, at least. And I pray for something that will fill this yearning, gaping hole I feel.
Every time we came together to study -- literally EVERY Monday -- you could FEEL God in the room with us. Not one of those nights went by that I didn't feel completely moved. Sometimes to tears. No, often to tears.
The evening started with a hymn, a prayer, a very short few words and dismissal to our discussion groups. We would spend about 45 minutes in our groups discussing our answers to 10-14 questions, depending on the lesson, that covered usually a chapter of a book of the Bible -- at most. Sometimes it was just a few verses.
We would end our group time with prayer requests and prayer, then dismissal to the lesson for the night.
We would gather again in the sanctuary for a couple of more hymns, prayer, then a lesson from the leader of our large group.
She always delivered such an amazing, moving message -- there was no denying that she was truly God inspired. Like I said, I never attended one of the groups without feeling very moved and inspired.
I haven't been able to find anything similar to that since BSF ended last May. I have missed the groups and messages, but today I just have this huge sense of mourning and loss over them.
I tried joining a BSF group that meets in Tyler on Monday evenings, but it was so difficult to get from work to the lessons, then possibly have to go back to work if something needed to get done.
I'm praying hard about this tonight. I want to re-join the group in the fall when a new lesson begins. I have to make sure I'm committed, though, so I don't take a spot from someone who needs to be there.
On the other hand, I feel like I need to be there.
I am also praying about the possibility that a BSF group could start here in Jacksonville. I don't know what goes in to starting a group, but I would love to see one begin.
I am craving God's presence like I used to feel, as well as those in-depth lessons and discussions.
I am so sad about this tonight, and I pray for some comfort and solace, at least. And I pray for something that will fill this yearning, gaping hole I feel.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Can a Christian be too overboard?
Sometimes I am concerned that I may "turn off" some people too Christianity because just about every thing I post on Facebook, for example, has to do with prayer or God or the Bible.
I've been saved for the majority of my life -- nearly 29 years now. Sometimes I am ashamed to say that my walk with the Lord has not been anywhere near what it should have been for the majority of that time. In fact, for most of that time, while I know and believe I was saved the entire time, I certainly didn't act like it.
Not only did my outward actions not serve as a testimony for the power of God's grace, my actions were pretty much a denial of Him.
It was only a couple of years ago, now, that I have begun to live and serve and worship Him truly.
I have had those times in my life when I would feel totally on fire for the Lord, but the flame was short-lived and would soon burn out. This has been the only time in my life when the yearning and desire has not only been a constant for such a long time, but has continued to grow as time has passed.
I am still not where I want to be -- I don't read and study my Bible nearly enough, and I haven't yet found a church home and other worshippers with whom to study and visit regularly. I don't pray nearly enough. And I have the desire to go back to waking up early and beginning my day with time with God like I used to, but I haven't been disciplined enough to do it.
But even though I know I want more...I want to worship more, study more, learn more, fellowship more...there is a part of me that truly worries that too much will only turn off people that I normally could witness to.
I have had friends in my past who, while they are wonderful strong Christians and I truly envy their relationship with the Lord (ironically, because envy is a sin, no?), even I have been "turned off" at times by how overboard they have gone with the way they present themselves to the world.
One of the studies I want to do is to reinforce for myself that it's OK. That it's mt job to be a witness...and that yes, there will be those people who think I'm just a crazy Bible-thumper, I need to continue as I am now.
I've been saved for the majority of my life -- nearly 29 years now. Sometimes I am ashamed to say that my walk with the Lord has not been anywhere near what it should have been for the majority of that time. In fact, for most of that time, while I know and believe I was saved the entire time, I certainly didn't act like it.
Not only did my outward actions not serve as a testimony for the power of God's grace, my actions were pretty much a denial of Him.
It was only a couple of years ago, now, that I have begun to live and serve and worship Him truly.
I have had those times in my life when I would feel totally on fire for the Lord, but the flame was short-lived and would soon burn out. This has been the only time in my life when the yearning and desire has not only been a constant for such a long time, but has continued to grow as time has passed.
I am still not where I want to be -- I don't read and study my Bible nearly enough, and I haven't yet found a church home and other worshippers with whom to study and visit regularly. I don't pray nearly enough. And I have the desire to go back to waking up early and beginning my day with time with God like I used to, but I haven't been disciplined enough to do it.
But even though I know I want more...I want to worship more, study more, learn more, fellowship more...there is a part of me that truly worries that too much will only turn off people that I normally could witness to.
I have had friends in my past who, while they are wonderful strong Christians and I truly envy their relationship with the Lord (ironically, because envy is a sin, no?), even I have been "turned off" at times by how overboard they have gone with the way they present themselves to the world.
One of the studies I want to do is to reinforce for myself that it's OK. That it's mt job to be a witness...and that yes, there will be those people who think I'm just a crazy Bible-thumper, I need to continue as I am now.
Friday, April 16, 2010
A prayer
* I wrote this at about 1 a.m. this morning when I was trying to sleep.
Dearest Lord,
I don't understand why You would choose me. As I lay here in bed tonight, unable to sleep for thinking over my day, my life, I realize how truly wretched I am and have been in my life.
And it seems that no matter how hard I try to "be good," it is never enough. I will never be good enough.
On my own, that is.
I am amazed You chose me, and I am amazed by Your power. Because of You, I am justified.
Because of Your wonderful, glorious gift of grace, I now belong to You.
Please remind me every day that my life is not my own.
Dearest Lord,
I don't understand why You would choose me. As I lay here in bed tonight, unable to sleep for thinking over my day, my life, I realize how truly wretched I am and have been in my life.
And it seems that no matter how hard I try to "be good," it is never enough. I will never be good enough.
On my own, that is.
I am amazed You chose me, and I am amazed by Your power. Because of You, I am justified.
Because of Your wonderful, glorious gift of grace, I now belong to You.
Please remind me every day that my life is not my own.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My random thoughts on gratitude
I've never thought of myself as an ungrateful person, really. I don't think any of the people who know me -- REALLY know me -- would have pegged me that way, either.
I started doing a 30-day gratitude challenge, though. And while I kind of fell off the wagon of following the challenge every day and had to start over with it, I did begin making myself find something every day to be especially grateful for. I've been posting them as my status on Facebook as I go along.
Some days it's been so easy to find something, anything, to be grateful for. Sometimes it was something small, sometimes something profound.
I've found that I have a lot more to be grateful for than I first realized, through this exercise. I've also found that even on those days when it took me a while to find that one thing to be grateful for, it was there. And as the days have passed, it's been easier and easier to find my gratitude things.
Then, just tonight, it hit me -- why have I not been doing this all along? Why have I not put concentrated effort into looking for and seeing all of those wonderful blessings, large and small, that I have in my life. I have always been blessed -- even in those things I have had to work for, I have been very very blessed to have had the opportunity, know how, willingness to learn and desire to work to achieve them.
It doesn't all come from me, that's for sure.
And so as the days have passed and the exercise has gotten more easy for me, I have slowly come to value more and more the spirit of gratitude the Lord offers us all.
I mean, let's face it -- if you're a Christian, you believe that you're a fallen, faulted sinner destined for hell, EXCEPT for the fact the Lord gave Himself for you.
That's how I believe.
And so, given that and the fact that my entire life would be NOTHING except for the gift of grace God has given me, why would I have any reason to be ungrateful for anything??
And being ungrateful goes beyond complaining about something we didn't get or receive or that didn't come easy to us or....well, you get the drift.
It's also about not giving praise and thanks to the Lord for everything He has given us so freely and lovingly.
I'm still learning gratitude. I will have to learn it every day for the rest of my life. It's not human nature to be grateful and thankful. We're selfish and self-centered.
But it's not about me. Alone, I am nothing. Left to my own devices, I would remain fallen and wallow in sin continually.
I can only pray God would remind me daily to Whom and where I belong....I belong to Him and I belong with Him. And even if I devote every single minute of every single day of the rest of my life to Him, praising and thanking for all He has done for me, it will never be enough to repay.
And this is the beauty of it. He doesn't ask us for repayment. The Lord asks of us to spread the message of His salvation and to take up our cross and follow Him. That's it.
More epiphanies will come to me. I will further learn my lessons, but that is what I pray for. I want the Lord to take a hold of my life tighter and stronger than He ever has.
I started doing a 30-day gratitude challenge, though. And while I kind of fell off the wagon of following the challenge every day and had to start over with it, I did begin making myself find something every day to be especially grateful for. I've been posting them as my status on Facebook as I go along.
Some days it's been so easy to find something, anything, to be grateful for. Sometimes it was something small, sometimes something profound.
I've found that I have a lot more to be grateful for than I first realized, through this exercise. I've also found that even on those days when it took me a while to find that one thing to be grateful for, it was there. And as the days have passed, it's been easier and easier to find my gratitude things.
Then, just tonight, it hit me -- why have I not been doing this all along? Why have I not put concentrated effort into looking for and seeing all of those wonderful blessings, large and small, that I have in my life. I have always been blessed -- even in those things I have had to work for, I have been very very blessed to have had the opportunity, know how, willingness to learn and desire to work to achieve them.
It doesn't all come from me, that's for sure.
And so as the days have passed and the exercise has gotten more easy for me, I have slowly come to value more and more the spirit of gratitude the Lord offers us all.
I mean, let's face it -- if you're a Christian, you believe that you're a fallen, faulted sinner destined for hell, EXCEPT for the fact the Lord gave Himself for you.
That's how I believe.
And so, given that and the fact that my entire life would be NOTHING except for the gift of grace God has given me, why would I have any reason to be ungrateful for anything??
And being ungrateful goes beyond complaining about something we didn't get or receive or that didn't come easy to us or....well, you get the drift.
It's also about not giving praise and thanks to the Lord for everything He has given us so freely and lovingly.
I'm still learning gratitude. I will have to learn it every day for the rest of my life. It's not human nature to be grateful and thankful. We're selfish and self-centered.
But it's not about me. Alone, I am nothing. Left to my own devices, I would remain fallen and wallow in sin continually.
I can only pray God would remind me daily to Whom and where I belong....I belong to Him and I belong with Him. And even if I devote every single minute of every single day of the rest of my life to Him, praising and thanking for all He has done for me, it will never be enough to repay.
And this is the beauty of it. He doesn't ask us for repayment. The Lord asks of us to spread the message of His salvation and to take up our cross and follow Him. That's it.
More epiphanies will come to me. I will further learn my lessons, but that is what I pray for. I want the Lord to take a hold of my life tighter and stronger than He ever has.
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