Breaking it down

I've been yearning for that closeness with the Lord I used to feel every week in BSF. I have missed it so much, and I have been seeking it on my own and by visiting a local church.

I haven't been able to find it, though, and I have been praying to get back to that place where I could just feel the Lord right there with me. Once you've been truly in the prescence of God, you're addicted.

Nothing was getting me there, though. Solo Bible study has been fulfilling and wonderful, but just wasn't "it." The church I have been visiting is really amazing, but I hadn't felt that thing I have been missing.

This morning, the service included a presentation by a Gideon about the work they do. Of course it reminded me of Granddad and how important the Lord was to him. I couldn't help but tear up when the man was talking about the Gideons and the work they do. Granddad's been gone more than 10 years now, and I still miss him very much. I know where he is, though, and I couldn't help but thank God and praise Him that through my grandparents, then through mom, I was exposed to the Lord early in life. I realize there are many out there whose family doesn't know the peace of having a relationship with God and how blessed I am I have a family that, for the most part, knows it.

The message today was from Colossians. Death to things of the flesh so that the gifts of the Spirit can be fulfilled. It was the next in a series the pastor has presented. I haven't been there for all of the series, but it seems like it's been good, from what I can tell.

Today's message got to me, though. I have struggled with my weight for my entire life...and it's no secret I have a problem with food.

And although I have thought about it in academic terms in the past, today was the first time I felt any sort of a conviction about this unhealthy relationship I have with food...and have that conviction based solely on a Biblical basis. There is no denying it...it's there in black and white. And while it didn't say, "death to gluttony," it does say death to greed. And gluttony is nothing more than a form of greed...and greed acted upon at that.

There is a lust you feel in your heart ... and it can be a lust for anything ... and then there is lust you act upon -- giving in to the fleshly desires.

It's funny, but I remember something Dog the bounty hunter said to one of the folks they caught once. He said to the guy that he has to fight lusts every day all day...that everyone does.

And it doesn't matter what the lust is for -- sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, food -- we all feel it. But it's how we deal with it. And the Bible says put those physical, earthly desires to death.

Man.

I needed to hear that.

REALLY needed it.

So, when I left church I decided I was going to talk to mom about this epiphany I had. She and I worry about each other a lot...especially so since her latest fall and broken bones. I have been worried about her gaining strength and stamina and confidence. She worries about me and my weight, because she doesn't want me to have the same kinds of problems she has had.

I called and got her order for lunch and headed to her house.

As I got out of my car and was just about to reach back in to start hauling out the lunch goodies, I heard her yelling ... SCREAMING ... in the house. And it was the scream I recognized from when she fell in the hospital.

She was yelling, "oh no, no! Help me! No!"

I knew she had fallen.

She was trying to help me by going to open the door for me, got in a hurry and her knee gave out.

I can't explain how scary it is to hear that. Then of course I can't run, so I got to the door and in as fast as I could. Sure enough she was on the floor, flat on her face, screaming and crying.

And I didn't know what to do.

I called 911 to ask for a fall assist. Then I stood with my hand on her back, rubbing it and trying to calm her down while we waited for the EMTs to come help.

We had a long, hard talk after they left. I told mom about the sermon this morning and what I got from it. We're both gluttons. We're both scared to death about our health, too, but we both have an addiction to food.

Not to food -- to gluttony.

We talked about it a lot.

I told mom that the way I approach food is a sin. It stands between me and a normal life, It stands between me and health. Most importantly, though, it stands between me and the Lord.

I have not put to death my earthly desire for gluttony.

There is no way I can totally fulfill my desire to fully serve the Lord as long as I give in to that earthly desire. I can't be the best possible tool for Him to use if I'm not at my possible best. If I don't have the physical strength and stamina to make it through a work day then do things after work...if I don't have the ability to work my week then get up and get going on my days off. And I can't completely be the tool God deserves to have on earth and that I desire to be for Him if I am knowingly sinning every day.

This is as bad as someone who has sex outside of wedlock. As bad as someone who steals. As bad as someone who drinks constantly or uses drugs.

I knowingly sin every day and do not turn from it and have not really felt remorse for it.

I honestly think that that distance I have been feeling....no, it hasn't been a distance, but it hasn't been the closeness I have yearned for with God.

The last time I was at this point, I had a breakthrough with the guilt I have carried with me for things in my past. And it was so good and cleansing and freeing when I begged forgiveness and was truly repentent.

It's time for that again.

I told mom today this was it...that we're going to kick this. Today was a death, but tomorrow a rebirth. And it's going to be hard, but we're going to do it.

She's too young and vibrant and beautiful to hobble around on a walker for the rest of her life. She has too much to offer the world to have to be scared to just walk across a parking lot. She wants to do too much for other people to be hindered by a lack of strength and balance and confidence.

And me ... how can anyone look at me and think, "Well there goes a happy, well-balanced woman who has a good relationship with the Lord and is healthy." No way that happens.

It's time for our bodies to reflect our beliefs and our salvation.

Now I have to pray every day...every hour or minute if I have to...for the Lord to hold me and give me the strength to live the kind of life I want to now so I can be the kind of person I want to be.